Seagull campaign won almost every major national award in the category
of stupid e-mail. The only suspense was would the entire Seagull series
(installments 3 through 7 were released in 2006) sweep Dolberry's 3rd
Annual Top 5.
#5: Revised Endorsement Supplement Form to Host Foreign National Guests:
This e-mail was the best example of NOAA's tendency to frequently send
all staff e-mails whenever they update a website that nobody in a
million years would ever look at. This one "clarified requirements
regarding the need to contact Office of Marine and Aviation Operations
(OMAO) staff when foreign nationals will be accessing OMAO platforms
(i.e., ships and planes)". Anyway, since Alfonso Soriano went to the
Cubs, how many foriegn Nationals are going to even be invited on one of
our boats?
#4: SUBJECT: Safety Tip #6 From NOAA Safety Seagull: This one featured
a dazed, barenekkid seagull bereft of feathers after apparently dropping
or perhaps quaffing a greenish looking beverage. His skin is slightly
greenish-tinged. The caption to the right reads: "Be careful when
handling hazardous materials.". It's clear from the drawing that the
Seagull is about 15 days overdue for another Betty Ford stay, but the
NOAA Safety flacks want us to think he mishandled some hazardous
material. Yeah, hazardous to his liver maybe.
#3: Friday, February 3 is National Wear Red Day: The lone EPA entry
this year encouraged us to wear red on the day after Groundhog's Day to
combat heart disease in women. The first lady was quoted as saying "I
encourage every one of you to go home, pull out your favorite red dress,
and tell every woman you know that heart disease doesn’t care what you
wear.” No offense intended here, but I'm pretty sure that if Dolberry
goes home and puts on his favorite red dress that the one woman he does
know (Mrs. Dolberry) damn well WILL care what he's wearing & that her
heart attack risk will probably be on the rise.
#2: Message From the Under Secretary -- Personal Accountability for Laptops and Equipment: I have to admit I have a certain bias against the
sender of this e-mail. First, Dolberry finds his 43-letter handle (VADM
Conrad C. Lautenbacher Jr., USN (Ret.)) a little extravagant in this age
of fiscal responsibility. Also, he invariably sends his e-mails out
late of Friday afternoon which presumably is meant to leave us w/ the
impression that he's still hard at work at the end of a long week. Of
course, we all know he's out on a Booze Cruise w/ the Seagull and Felipe
Lopez (a foriegn National, for you non baseball fans) and some DC flunky
has been left behind to hit the send button. But anyway, the worst of
his late Friday e-mails this year was the one that told us not to have
stuff stolen from us. Some highlights: "NOAA has not been immune to
lapses in properly safeguarding these devices. For the period
2001-2006, we can not account for 325 laptops. They have been lost,
misplaced, improperly disposed of or stolen. ... Our past performance
is unacceptable and we must do a better job protecting such equipment
and its content. The loss or theft of this equipment represents a loss
of taxpayer money and mission capability. ... Our goal must be 100
percent accountability for this equipment, i.e. No loss or theft. ...
Each of you must take seriously the responsibility that comes with
having these devices, and care for them as if you had paid for them
yourselves." This whole e-mail had the feel of a middle school assembly
after one punk pulled the fire alarm & then everyone was called in to
get berated for it by the principal. The e-mail looked even more
ridiculous three weeks later when a stash of 323 laptops were found in
the Safety Seagull's trunk after Silver Spring MD police pulled him over
for going 87 in a 35 mph zone.
#1: Safety Tip #5 From NOAA Safety Seagull: Wow. The first four Safety
Seagull serials were kinda funny in their own uninimitable "tell me
something I don't already know" style (e.g., getting struck by lightning
is NOT good for you), but they set a high-water mark here at #5. The
picture is of a guy, driving a car that's about 10 times too small for a
human, talking on a cell phone, & swirving from lane to lane. The
Seagull then tells us to "Keep Your Wings on the Wheel. Drive Safely."
Yo. Seagull. The guys does have his hand on the wheel (one of them at
least). It's like the only thing he's doing right in the whole picture
as far as safe driving goes. Appropriate safety approbations could have
been "Don't Try to Drive Toy Cars" or "Keep Your Eyes Open When Driving"
or "Make Sure Your Car Has a Door Handle" or even "Dude, That Striped
Turtleneck Is Gonna Get You Beat Up Someday".
1 comment:
Post a Comment