Sunday, November 30, 2008

Recap of a long Thanksgiving weekend

Wed: Had a blast at the Turkey Open, which I guess is a long running golf outing held every year on the Wednesday before T-giving by the St. Michaels' men club. I was playing w/ two friends from the glorious 2-time champion Law Office squad and their brother-in-law from Sweden. It was Superball format and I did pretty much nothing all day until the last hole when one of our good players drove the green on a 320 yd par 4 ... and then I drained a 40 ft putt for eagle. That got us to 8 under which was good enough for 3rd place and a $25 gift certificate. Along w/ my closest to the pin win on Columbus Day, that brings my golf earnings to $50 over the last two months, which is $50 more than Tiger's won over that period.

Thurs: Slept in pretty late than headed out to Asheboro. Chuck cooked up a great turkey. I ate too much as usual. Played Apples to Apples w/ the cousins. Always fun. Proof that APD is pretty smart ... he had the card "mothers" and let all sort of very potentially funny adjectives go by (including evil), until tbKMD or Aunt Shelly played the adjective "beautiful" (or something like that) and won the deck.

Fri: APD and I started a convoluted Sweet 16 Heroclix tournament. Eight of his teams and eight of mine. We didn't seed it very accurately as the #10, #12, #14, & #16 have made the Final 4. We then went out to eat at my gift certificate restaurant (Beef O'Bradys) and the number of workers far outpaced the number of diners (the 3 of us). I felt a little guilty ... like if we left they could all go home. Eventually two more groups came.

Sat: Went back out to Asheboro to help Shelly and the kids move. Their new house is really nice. All that moving made Dolberry very sore, though.

Sun: Church in the morning. Nap in the afternoon. Watching my fantasy squad bear El Cueto's by about 70 points. Pretty much a standard Sunday. Am glad I am not a Texas fan because they jobbed in the whole BCS thing. They beat Oklahoma on a neutral field. Seriously, it's ridiculous that they can't put out a better product than what college football puts out for a postseason. I'll bet there aren't three bowls that are worth watching.

Bottom line: not looking forward to back-to-work tomorrow. 5-day weekends are too nice.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Life Episodes: The Hospital Laundry

In tonight's episode of "Life Episodes" ... that very special segment we sometimes run here at the DCV ... you know the one where we document the most memorable times in Dolberry's life ... (no? seriously? look back at the archives!) ... we're going to take a look back at the summer I worked at the Humana Southeast Regional Laundry. Basically, it was the summer I spent living the life of a John Steinbeck character.

(Have you ever noticed that the DCV uses a lot of ellipses ... those things right there? It's because we've lost confidence in how to use commas and semicolons. Wikipedia implies that Dolberry is on solid ground in using this device to indicate a pause in thought. So there.)

Anyway, here are my 11 most favorite jobs I've ever had (in the beloved countdown format). And please don't misunderstand ... I do not like work in any format really. So, by "favorite", I really mean "least loathsome". And by "job", I mean somebody paid me (or pays me) to do it.

11 - Research Assistant at University of Chicago
10 - Environmental Something or Another at MCNC
9 - Babysitting
8 - Sticking Random Labels on Random Forms Drone for Standard Register
7 - Environmental Protection Specialist at EPA, Region 5
6 - Modeling Director at LADCO
5 - Maintenance Worker at the Executive Inn
4 - Umpire for Hikes Point Optimist baseball
3 - Physical Scientist @ NOAA/EPA (esp. when it involves 5-day weekends like right now)
2 - Lifeguard at Woodhaven
1 - Vacation Sales Representative for Nabisco

The only job that did not make the list was the one my dear mother got me one summer at a hospital laundry. Apparently she had an "in" with someone who ran this slave labor camp in the Bluegrass Industrial Park which was conveniently located about 5 miles from our house. Dolberry doesn't remember exactly how his mom knew the Stalinesque supervisor of the laundry. I think it involved Jazzercise.

Anyway, to this point, Dolberry had done jobs #2, #4, #5, #8, and #9 ... all of which complied with basic OSHA standards for worker safety. And really Dolberry was ok with a third year of spending 15-20 hours of each summer week, avoiding the sun and warding off girls at the pool, but Mom convinced me that $0.35 less per hour was a good tradeoff for the opportunity to work 40-hour weeks (more on this later).

The summer before I'd been a maintenance worker at a hotel in Louisville (the Executive Inn). This was a good job ... in the cushy variety that I favor when it comes to occupations. Mr Luersen, a neighbor, had gotten me the job. My "maintenance" duties consisted of:

1) mowing the lawn (easy),
2) watering flowers (easier), and
3) drinking unlimited free soda with the crew in our break room (easiest).

(It is also at this job that I learned one of my favorite quotes ever, from our foreman: "We didn't get much done today, but will give'r hell tomorrow.")

So, I show up for the first day at the laundry expecting to meet some new friends and earn a few bucks ... and get my caffeine fix for the summer.

And this is no exaggeration ... I was so exhausted by the noon lunch break I put my head down on the lunch break table and slept away my 30 minute reprieve from the floor. And 15 minutes of the morning was spent in orientation.

It was the most awful job you can imagine. Go ahead ... imagine the worst job you can think of ... I'll wait ...

Yeah, this was way worse than that.

One bad thing about a hospital laundry is that people who go to a hospital often do not maintain the same hygiene level that folks outside hospitals do. I guess that's why they're in the hospital. I don't know ... I'm not a doctor. So, they bleed on stuff. They throw up on stuff. They pee on stuff. And worse. I know what you're saying ... "Well they throw all that stuff away." No, my friend, they do not. Or at least they didn't 20 years ago. They sent it to the Bluegrass Industrial Park and insisted that people making $3.55 an hour restore this stuff to its original luster. This was in the early days of AIDS but before the term "biohazard" had been coined. You'd often see needles in the incoming baskets.

Another bad thing about a hospital laundry is that there is no air conditioning. My job was to take the clothes out of the industrial washers and put them in the industrial dryers. The washers provided a nice tropical humidity and the dryers added a nice Saharan touch that combined to put heat indexes up into the 110s in the environs where I spent 8 to 9 to 10 to 11 hours a day.

That was another bad thing about the hospital laundry. You never knew when you were going home. Basically, you worked until the trucks quit bringing dirty laundry. We didn't get overtime, though. Everyday was 8 hours on the timecard. For the life of me, I still don't see how that could have been even close to legal.

At the end of that first lunch, one of my co-workers roused me out of my labor-induced coma and encouraged me that I would get used to it. I guess that was one of the nice things about the hospital laundry ... my co-workers. Dolberry was definitely the outlier ... the college boy ... the kid who knew the boss (as evidenced by he acknowledged me at least 2-3 times that summer) ... the boy who would be out of here in three months. But they accepted me. That's either a testament to the basic goodness of the common working person or a testament to the fact that Dolberry is just so darned likeable. And while there were definitely some lifers on the crew, there was a heavy rotation. So much so, that by August I was one of the veterans. You'd ask someone at lunch "Where's Tommy?" and they'd say "What? Didn't you see the news last night? I TOLD him that First National Bank ATMs had cameras. Idiot!"

Anyway, by the end of the summer I was in awesome shape. Best shape of my life. Was anxious to get back to SLU for my junior season of cross-country. Sadly, they canceled the program that fall so they could have more women sports. Seriously?

And as I look back on this, Dolberry is puzzled. I learned a valuable lesson about hard work that summer. I learned that for whatever reason, I had started life leading off 3rd base while some were still in the batting box. The blessings that I'd been given (loving parents, nice house, good schools, passably tolerable sisters, supreme intelligence, and overpowering charisma among others) ... maybe hadn't been bestowed in an equal manner on everyone else. That some people have to work incredibly hard to narrow out what many would consider to be a meager existence. The puzzling thing is that this seems like a lesson that the fatherly El Cueto would have tried to instill. Instead he got me the job where I drank soda and ate Oreos (the next two summers) and it was La Cueta that got me this job. One thing's for sure, I never complained again about her potato soup after that summer.

Writing all this down made me feel a little guilty ... not because the prose here is achingly beautiful ... which it is ... but because I know there are millions of people today working laundry-like jobs.

Sometimes, it seems like being thankful isn't enough for all the blessings you've been given.

Happy T-giving to all DCV readers!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

24 hours: an acrostic

There aren't many things better than an off Friday.
I play Sudoku with tbKMD and win two out of three.
Really no need to go outside; cold front has blasted through.
Even snowed a little bit earlier.
Drive over to church around 7p for annual lock-in.
Board games, loud music, movies, Madden 09, pizza, fun times ...
Unless you like sleep.
The youth at our church are a great group.
Hurry home at 7a for a quick 90 minute snooze,
And then drowsily lace up the running gear for my first 5K in a long long time.
Prepared (cough) for this race by running 6 or 7 times all year.
Picked it up at the 2.5 mile mark and finished feeling good in a not-too-bad 27:34.
Yeah ... life is really great when you feel like you've earned your nap.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Really cool new website

Hey, have any of you guys seen this website Jooners.com. It allows you to organize events by providing electronic signup sheets. Very helpful.

Anyway, Dolberry had the brilliant idea to organize his Christmas list. Follow this link and signup for what you want to get me. This way I can get started on my thank you notes early.

Thanks in advance.

Monday, November 10, 2008

The DCV Interview: Josh Hamilton

Last Friday, the Dolberry Cheery Vanilla blog sat down w/ Josh Hamilton, star of this year's Home Run Derby for a very special in-depth interview.

OK, technically, he was the only one sitting. Dolberry had been standing in line at the Barnes & Noble to have him autograph a copy of his book: Beyond Belief: Finding the Strength to Come Back. Nevertheless, I think you will find that when it comes to interviews of major stars that Dolberry has no peer.

Q. I wish you were still the Reds. Um, on the Reds.
A. I didn't have any choice.

Q. We were at your first Spring Training with the Reds. That was awesome. Your story is cool.
A. Thanks man.

Anyway, security hustled me out at that point, but I think Dolberry had captured the gist of it.

Dolberry's people are trying to get a sit-down (or stand-up) w/ the former chairman and chief executive of AIG, Maurice "Hank" Greenberg. They're stonewalling at present. I hope to ask him about the 1934 Detroit Tigers.

Friday, November 07, 2008

New Feature: Factcheckertron 5000

DCV staff are always wracking our brains to improve our service and provide the very best blog experience for our readers. One thing that Dolberry actually LIKED about the most recent election season was the proliferation of newspaper blurbs attempting to verify the various wild claims made by all the candidates and their supporters (or more often than not, their opponents' detractors) prior to the vote. You probably saw them, but here's an example.

Claim: Candidate A says Candidate B thinks American Idol should be canceled and replaced by Al-Qaida Idol. Further, Candidate A claims Candidate B ate a sandwich in 4th grade prepared by a lunch worker who later formed the Green Panther Creationist Party of Mordor. Candidate A (surrounded by smiling kids holding American flags) asks "Are these the kind of values we want representing us in Washington?"

Truth: Candidate B did attend 4th grade. (Then depending upon the editorial slant of the paper ... they would summarize either ...) This claim is almost entirely false. (or) This claim is partially true.

Anyway, the DCV is now going to do the same thing on non-political commercials. Enjoy! We have a few choice selections for this week's entry.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Claim #1: Bud Light claims their beer is better than other light beers because it has "superior drinkability". The commercials go onto ask if drinking water from a hose is the same as drinking water from a glass.

Truth: This commercial is ridiculous. First, if the highest claim you can make about your beverage is that it is actually potable then you have a crappy product my friend. I can think of hundreds of other liquids that are drinkable (definition ... something that can be drunk). This includes, but is not limited to: lighter fluid, Charlie Weis' sweat, & the bloody entrails of a roadkilled skunk. I would not drink these things however, no matter how easy they went down. Second, no one drinks Bud Light from a hose so that's just a red herring. Third, there's no way to prove your claim which belies its inherent meaninglessness. The claim in this commercial cannot be proven. The fact that whoever owns Anheuser-Busch now has set their marketing claims so low and nebulous probably means you should avoid this product.

Claim #2: Embarq claims you must be made of gold not to want free TV. One of the characters in the ad is purported to actually be made of gold. An irritating musical trio closes the ad w/ "they don't call her Queen Tut for nothing."

Truth: Where to start? First, people cannot be made of gold. And if a person WAS made of gold do you think they'd sit around coffee shops talking about which high-speed internet service they prefer? Of course not, they would likely be doing whatever they could to enslave the world. Or they'd be selling their fingernail clippings for cash and living on easy street. This commercial is ridiculous and it makes me mad. I went to Embarq's web site and I don't see the free TV anywhere. I do see that if you pay them $88 bucks a month you will get phone service & internet service & the DISH network. 88 is not equal to zero.

Claim #3: Sharp Aquos is running an ad w/ the tagline "Change your TV. Change your life". The clear implication is that buying a (bigger, more expensive) Aquos TV will change your life for the better.

Truth: It pains Dolberry to break this to those who can't see through this despicable mendacity but getting a better TV will not improve your life. In fact, it's pretty easy to make the argument that anything that causes you to watch more TV will make your life worse. If you want to change your life for the better ... don't buy a TV ... then turn off the TV you have ... read a book ... call a friend ... do something nice for someone ... pet your dog ... love someone ... allow someone to love you ... pray for someone that needs it ... put on some good music ... see an argument through someone else's eyes ... go for a walk ... forgive someone who's wronged you ... apologize to someone who you've wronged. Generally, live life, don't watch it. (Above paragraph does not apply to "The Office". That one you should watch. But you don't really need a fancy Aquos TV to do so.)

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

The people have spoken! Change is coming!

Brady Quinn is starting tomorrow for the Browns!!!!

It's about time. Maybe it wasn't Derek Anderson's fault the offense has gone in the tank over the past 12 games, but a change was needed.

Brady Quinn is the first Notre Dame QB ever to start for the Browns. Truly historic.

While I think Anderson is probably the better QB technically (arm, experience, right to life), I voted for Brady. Mostly because he was from Notre Dame. This may be silly, but I think it was time that the Browns had a Notre Dame QB. I think in the long run, no matter what else happens, whether he throws 20 interceptions or leads us to the Super Bowl, we will be a stronger team for it.

I am truly full of hope that he can turn around the abomination that is the Browns 3-5 season. I am proud to be a Browns fan today. But I was proud to be a Browns fan on Monday also. Hopefully Anderson fans will support Quinn through any early struggles. It's more important that we're all Browns fans ... and that the Browns prosper ... than having our preferred QB be leading the team. The Browns are a great team w/ great fans.

Of course, if we still have a losing record in 4 years, I will be advocating for someone else. Dolberry, like many fans, is notoriously fickle that way.


Monday, November 03, 2008

CHAMPIONS!


Well, I wish there was a more exciting story, but as it turned out we won rather easily. We had to beat the #4 seed (we were #2) twice since they had routed us last week (25-5), but I think we had the better team ... just had to play that way. And we did.

So we won the first game 12-1 in a 5 inning run rule. Dolberry the coach did not play Dolberry the player (actually, the game ended before I could get myself in). Then we won the second game (in a fairly steady rain for the first 3 innings) 12-2. Our pitcher and defense was spectacular all night. Dolberry went 1-2 in the 2nd game.

We have some guys on our team that are unbelievably good. We hit four over the fence HRs on the night (300 ft fences). And everyone on the team is a good person as well, so it was just a lot of fun.

There are no extra t-shirts this year ... sorry.

We'll be back for our third straight championship next year.

(Nathan, if you want to see the stats ... I'll e-mail them to you. I know you're a BIG softball stats guy.)