Oh Mamma Mia!

In yesterday's blog I opined on songs that I like by bands/singers that typically do not meet, or come close to meeting, Dolberry's high standards of rockitude. This was before I had any idea of the debacle of a day that I was going to have today. You will notice there is no ABBA on the list below. I could have listed a top 500 and there still would have been no ABBA. Honestly, and this is from the heart here, I think Sweden should be listed w/ Iran, Iraq, and N. Korea in the Axis of Evil for foisting the abomination that is ABBA on the world.

It is my off Friday. And it started out fine. I did a talk on weather for 2nd graders. Came home from that and took a nap. Lunch ... it was fine.

The day went flying off the tracks and slammed into a wall of flaming debris when the beautiful KMD (tbKMD) suggested we go see a movie. Since I had chosen our anniversary movie (The Dark Knight), it was her turn to pick. She suggested Mamma Mia! because it was one of the few films that didn't appear to involve a lot of people shooting one another. After a minimal amount of research I figured out that it was a chick flick and a musical, but I accepted my fate w/grace and good cheer, because that is the way Dolberry! rolls when it comes to the marital relationship.

SPOILER ALERT -- About to reveal plot of movie




Ok. That was the plot. Worse than that ... they sang ABBA songs the whole time. Worse than that Pierce Brosnan and Meryl Streep were in it. The whole movie careened from one ABBA song to the next with no apparent plan for what was to come next. The lead actress had a smile that was far more sinister than Heath Ledger's Joker. One old guy showed his butt for no reason. There was a scene in which Meryl Streep jumped on a bed like it was a trampoline and went through about 200 costume changes in a 90 second span, all the time singing, and that was probably the "best" scene in the movie. The estrogen was literally oozing off the screen and pooling in the aisles (if estrogen does such a thing) in a massive 12 foot storm surge of girlyness.

Anyway, the league office has handed tbKMD an eight movie suspension from picking our off-Friday matinees. She plans to appeal.

It did give me an idea though. The whole thing might have worked had they set the songs to a more accomplished band ... like, say ... Def Leppard. Picture this:

John Goodman as Gunter;
John Travolta as Glieben;
Vin Diesel as Glauten;
and Winona Ryder as Globen.

Gunter, Glieben, and Glauten are competing chefs in a fancy French culinary competition to see who can make the best cake, but they need some extra sugar, and a cute singing goat tells them that there's this lady in Majorca who has this special confectioner's sugar that will guarantee them a win. They race to the island and meet the beautiful Globen on a picturesque beach and they all start singing "Pour Some Sugar on Me".

After that, they all get their picture in one of those booths you find in the mall while singing "Photograph".

But after that, Glieben makes a pass at Globen which is rejected, so he sings "Love Bites".

We need something upbeat after that pathos-saturated scene, so Goodman/Gunter sings "Animal" while (why not) walking through a zoo.

Hmmm, Globen can't believe everyone wants her special sucrose/fructose mix and in a touching scene sings "Hysteria".

Then ... I don't know ... um ... let's say there's a big wave which wipes out half the island and the whole cast sings "Armeggedon It" while dancing.

But then it turns out that was a dream sequence, so the whole cast sings "Foolin".

In the climatic scene, there's a choreographed fight scene on the Rock of Gibralter where Gunter, Glieben, and Glauten fall to their deaths while dualing/singing to "Rock of Ages".

Globen then sings a reprise of "Pour Some Sugar on Me" but sadder this time, because she'd grown to love those crazy French chefs. And then she sings "Too Late for Love", because there's still about 10 minutes left in the movie.

But then the three chefs triumphantly emerge from the surf below and are tearfully, but still dancingly, reunited with Globen. And Gunter proposes to her. And she accepts. And they all sing "Pour Some Sugar on Me" again with fireworks in the flaming sunset.

As the credits roll ... over "Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad" we'll toss in a scene in which the actors sing and throw cake at each other with super-huge grins.

I might go see that ...