3rd Annual Worst E-mails of the Year

2006 will be remembered as the "Year of the Seagull", as NOAA's Safety
Seagull campaign won almost every major national award in the category
of stupid e-mail. The only suspense was would the entire Seagull series
(installments 3 through 7 were released in 2006) sweep Dolberry's 3rd
Annual Top 5.

#5: Revised Endorsement Supplement Form to Host Foreign National Guests:
This e-mail was the best example of NOAA's tendency to frequently send
all staff e-mails whenever they update a website that nobody in a
million years would ever look at. This one "clarified requirements
regarding the need to contact Office of Marine and Aviation Operations
(OMAO) staff when foreign nationals will be accessing OMAO platforms
(i.e., ships and planes)". Anyway, since Alfonso Soriano went to the
Cubs, how many foriegn Nationals are going to even be invited on one of
our boats?

#4: SUBJECT: Safety Tip #6 From NOAA Safety Seagull: This one featured
a dazed, barenekkid seagull bereft of feathers after apparently dropping
or perhaps quaffing a greenish looking beverage. His skin is slightly
greenish-tinged. The caption to the right reads: "Be careful when
handling hazardous materials.". It's clear from the drawing that the
Seagull is about 15 days overdue for another Betty Ford stay, but the
NOAA Safety flacks want us to think he mishandled some hazardous
material. Yeah, hazardous to his liver maybe.

#3: Friday, February 3 is National Wear Red Day: The lone EPA entry
this year encouraged us to wear red on the day after Groundhog's Day to
combat heart disease in women. The first lady was quoted as saying "I
encourage every one of you to go home, pull out your favorite red dress,
and tell every woman you know that heart disease doesn’t care what you
wear.” No offense intended here, but I'm pretty sure that if Dolberry
goes home and puts on his favorite red dress that the one woman he does
know (Mrs. Dolberry) damn well WILL care what he's wearing & that her
heart attack risk will probably be on the rise.

#2: Message From the Under Secretary -- Personal Accountability for Laptops and Equipment: I have to admit I have a certain bias against the
sender of this e-mail. First, Dolberry finds his 43-letter handle (VADM
Conrad C. Lautenbacher Jr., USN (Ret.)) a little extravagant in this age
of fiscal responsibility. Also, he invariably sends his e-mails out
late of Friday afternoon which presumably is meant to leave us w/ the
impression that he's still hard at work at the end of a long week. Of
course, we all know he's out on a Booze Cruise w/ the Seagull and Felipe
Lopez (a foriegn National, for you non baseball fans) and some DC flunky
has been left behind to hit the send button. But anyway, the worst of
his late Friday e-mails this year was the one that told us not to have
stuff stolen from us. Some highlights: "NOAA has not been immune to
lapses in properly safeguarding these devices. For the period
2001-2006, we can not account for 325 laptops. They have been lost,
misplaced, improperly disposed of or stolen. ... Our past performance
is unacceptable and we must do a better job protecting such equipment
and its content. The loss or theft of this equipment represents a loss
of taxpayer money and mission capability. ... Our goal must be 100
percent accountability for this equipment, i.e. No loss or theft. ...
Each of you must take seriously the responsibility that comes with
having these devices, and care for them as if you had paid for them
yourselves." This whole e-mail had the feel of a middle school assembly
after one punk pulled the fire alarm & then everyone was called in to
get berated for it by the principal. The e-mail looked even more
ridiculous three weeks later when a stash of 323 laptops were found in
the Safety Seagull's trunk after Silver Spring MD police pulled him over
for going 87 in a 35 mph zone.

#1: Safety Tip #5 From NOAA Safety Seagull: Wow. The first four Safety
Seagull serials were kinda funny in their own uninimitable "tell me
something I don't already know" style (e.g., getting struck by lightning
is NOT good for you), but they set a high-water mark here at #5. The
picture is of a guy, driving a car that's about 10 times too small for a
human, talking on a cell phone, & swirving from lane to lane. The
Seagull then tells us to "Keep Your Wings on the Wheel. Drive Safely."
Yo. Seagull. The guys does have his hand on the wheel (one of them at
least). It's like the only thing he's doing right in the whole picture
as far as safe driving goes. Appropriate safety approbations could have
been "Don't Try to Drive Toy Cars" or "Keep Your Eyes Open When Driving"
or "Make Sure Your Car Has a Door Handle" or even "Dude, That Striped
Turtleneck Is Gonna Get You Beat Up Someday".

DCV presents "Life Episodes -- Berghoff's"

By their nature, most DCV "Life Episodes" will be happy recountings of various Dolberry triumphs. They will be stories that, if you didn't know the subject, could appear to border on folklore, or possibly consist of something less than full veracity (though if anything the presentation will be understated). There'll invariably be a hero ... typically Dolberry. Sometimes there'll be a villian. Generally, the location will be an everyday venue that are often populated by the everyday readers of the DCV. Maybe J-town. Maybe Apex. This one's from Chicago & unlike most DCV episodes it's a decidedly unhappy tale.

Dolberry was a strapping young lad making his way in the rush & bundle business world of downtown Chicago. Specifically, the 26th floor of the (i forget the name) building. First job out of school, drawing down the serious dough that comes the way of Environmental Protection Specialists (for reference: the panhandlers in the El tunnels were doing better on most days). The work was hard ... trying to bring to completion EPA's approval of the State of Wisconsin's SO2 attainment plan. The plan had been submitted sometime shortly after Wisconsin had been admitted into the Union and had been languishing at EPA ever since. Approval was complicated by the fact that most of the facilities originally subject to the plan had gone out of business in the Depression. And while you think that might make it easier to conclude those facilities no longer posed a threat to air quality in Badgerland, you'd be wrong (for reasons Dolberry never understood).

Anyway, visitors were common to the big city. Dolberry's high rise luxury appartment overlooking Lake Michigan was frequently employed by some of his, well, "thriftier" relatives as free board for mini-vacations. I was ok w/ that ... sometimes it's hard to know when your generous nature is being stretched. But all that is a but a long prelude to the story at hand. One busy Novemeber Friday at the Region 5 offices, Dolberry was knee deep into the plan for limiting emissions from a Kenosha AMC plant that made Gremlins (the cars, not the fuzzy things you shouldn't get wet) sometime in the mid-70s before going bankrupt, when an interruption intruded ... some relatives were in town & wanted lunch. And not just lunch ... they wanted German food ... because it was Oktoberfest. (The only thing more confusing than the WI SIP to me is how it can be Oktoberfest in September, or April, or any other month they want.)

I've thought long & hard about this and DCV management has decided not to name names for this "Life Episode". I believe the culprits know who they are and the more respectable of them probably feel some guilt about their association w/ the whole ugly episode. (Though, some of them are probably beyond hope. Sis, I'm looking at you here.)

We went to Berghoff's, a travel guide favorite, but a real dump of a place. We had some pedestrian strudel or dumplings or whatever it is that Germans eat, & all was tolerable until the bill comes. Can you believe it ... these freeloading squatters believe Dolberry should pay?!? Fortunately, I had sold some blood for some extra money earlier in the week & while I was hoping to use that money for repairing the hole in the bottom of my shoes, especially noticed after an earlier snow. I had $35 bucks in my wallet & the bill came to $33.84. (You'd be astonished how many dumplings those guys could put down.) The waiter came for the bill & I gave him everything I had. I shot him a glance ... a furtive and ultimately futile non-verbal attempt to convey my situation hoping the pale bloodless non-glow of my face would yield some sympathy.

I should have known better. His name tag read ... "I'm Adolf SChott. I'm your server, ya," I don't think he spoke any English. Upon being confronted w/ the meager but totally acceptable tip he erupted saying "Nein!" "Nein tip!?!" "Das Boot!" "Nein tip! "Auf Wiedersen to you, dirty Yank." Dolberry doesn't like to further stereotypes so that's why I quoted him directly ... with his scathing rebuke ... words that left me so mortified that they remain etched in my cerebellum to this day. Were my dining parters equally mortified? In a word, no. They were still laughing as they picked up their Bloomingdale's bags on the way out of the restaurant.

Fifteen years later, a lot of things have changed. Berghoff's finally got shut down by the Health Dept. Dolberry is a ZP-4 which despite being one less than a GS-5, allows our hero to tip steadfastly at 30%. The Dolberries don't get as many visitors any more (once you've seen the Apex Chemical Plant Fire site once, there's not much left to see). SOme visitors even race past Apex on their way to the beach (bypassing their Bro in lieu of 10 minutes more at the beach. Again, -athy, I'm looking at you.) Another thing that has changed, and this is tragic, is the telling of the Berghoff's story. It has been cynically spun by the guilty into a legend of a maybe-too-eager-to-impress 20-something and some really bad math. Dolberry and the DCV would like to set the record straight here.

About the only thing that hasn't changed is that the Wisconsin SO2 SIP still resides at the Region 5 offices ... approval pending.

Day 3: The Return of the Dolberry

9:15: Awake.

9:30: Go to fitness center. All 4 treadmills & 4 exercise bikes are in use. Head back up to room w/ another "its the thought that counts workout".

9:40: One thing Dolberry likes to do at hotels is to walk past the conference rooms & decide which meeting he would rather be attending on that day. Today, it's a close call between the "Cobra Resources Meeting" & the "Retired United Pilots Association Meeting". I suspect the RUPA folks might catch that Dolberry's too young looking still to be a retired pilot. Am guessing that the "Cobra Resources" meeting is a CIA-front for some upcoming paramilitary action in the jungles of Venezuela. Knowing Dolberry & his people-pleaser nature, I'd probably be on a flight to Caracas by dinner. So, I decide to do my SECA meeting instead.

11:15: Headed to meeting. Walk takes me right past CA Capitol. Is very nice. While I saw t-shirts that said "The Governator", I didn't actually see Arnold. Would have been a highlight of the trip had it happened (right behind that Dire Straits song). I still have some questions about the plot of Predator.


3:00: Meeting was fine. Get to airport & gate in time to find the people from the 1:30 flight to ORD, deboarding their plane. Can't think this bodes well for our 4:30 flight. Or making the connection into RDU. But the Sacramento airport provides free WiFi, so that's pretty nice.

4:00: Still waiting. According to united.com, our flight's scheduled for 5:50 & the flight to RDU is now scheduled for 2:00am to get in to Raleigh at 3:56a. Sheesh, I might as well go straight in to work.

5:15: Getting on plane.

6:00: Wheels up from Sacramento.

6:30: The baby that was crying in the terminal is still going strong in the plane. At one point in the overcrowded terminal there was a screaming baby, a blaring security buzzer, and a little yappy dog barking in a portable kennel ... all competing for the title of loudest irritant. My colleague said the scene only lacked someone w/ Tourette's. Dolberry thought a dash of Jehovah's Witnesses might be a nice addition.

7:15: Flight attendant takes screamer for a little walk. This only increases volume. But shortly after return, little one quiets down. They must have had a talk about "security considerations". In defense, Dolberry has had to don the headphones & the classic rock channel again. Still on the same loop. I've now listened to enough CSN, Pink Floyd, and late Beatles to experience some sort of secondhand hallucenogenic experience. At one point, I could swear that the baby was screaming in time w/ "Dark Side of the Moon".

7:30: Am really getting bored here. Looking forward to the Italian Beef place at O'Hare w/ probably an undue amount of excited anticipation. This has me thinking of my favorite roast-beef-related sandwiches of all time. Here's what I've got. If I've forgotten anything, let me know.

#8: Quizno's Smokehouse Beef Sandwich. Very good. Kinda pricey though.

#7: Jersey Mike's Philly Cheesesteak. GpD swears by this one. I agree they are excellent.

#6: Regular roast beef w/ homestyle fries at Arby's. Thankfully there's no Arby's nearby Dolberry, or there wouldn't be a plane that could get him off the ground.

#5: The Italian Beef sandwiches at O'Hare: Filled w/ juicy shirt-staining roastbeef goodness and supplemented w/ the gentle tongue-tinging taste of shredded sweet peppers. Also nicely complimented w/ fries.

#4: The hot roast beef and gravy sandwiches we used to get at that lunch place in Hikes Point. I want to say it was called Salmonella's, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't. It was right by that bowling alley that used to be there, if I remember right. Recall going there for lunch w/ Mom & GGma & Junior Dolberry always ordering the hot RB w/ gravy. Mmmmmmm.

#3: Any buffet or wedding reception where there's a guy w/ a funny white hat carving roast beef that you can put on those little buns & scarf down about 14 of 'em.

#2: The Philly Cheesesteaks at BrightHouse Stadium in Clearwater FL. It is impossible to explain how good these are. If it wasn't a 26 hr roundtrip trek to get these footlong slices of heaven on earth, I'd have at least one a day. As it is, I'm counting down the days until I next partake of them. 91.

#1: The sandwiches Mom used to make for my school lunch after we'd have a rump roast for Sunday dinner (if Junior Dolberry didn't eat it all the preceding night). Meat, Miracle Whip, White Bread, & the touch of Mom's love that makes everything just a little bit more special.

7:55: Believe DCV has officially "jumped the shark" w/ the Top 8 roast beef countdown.

8:30: TV had an episode of "The Office". Love that show. "The office is like a jungle. I am like a tiger. And Dwight is like the monkey who stabs the tiger in the back. But we don't know what's in the tiger's mind. We don't have the technology."

9:05: Switched now to the air traffic controller channel. Chicago put us into a hold at 1-3-thousand, 10 mile lanes are approved, tango-echo-delta-delta-yammer (somewhere near Janesville WI), hold Northwest as published. Speed at our discretion. Pretty cool to know (they pilots haven't informed the non-Channel 9 listeners), but doesn't help me much. We are scheduled to be released from the hold at 0247 (9:47). Our pilots didn't complain, but another pilot said "what's gives, clear skies, I can see you from here." ATC says tstorms over NE IN have shut down that corridor.

9:50: Plane lands. Sprint to meet 10pm flight.

9:56: Get to gate E2 (from B6) in a 6 minute sprint ... actually I sprinted about 4 minutes, then walked the last 2... to find the flight had just closed out. Gate agent said, "Oh you're Mr. Dolwick. Yeah, we tried to to go as slow as we could. Sorry." Customer service was of no help. Blamed it on ATC, claimed no responsibility. Booked us on the earliest flight tomorrow (2pm) & put on standby for 630a flight.

10:15: Start the O'Hare allnighter at the only open restaurant (Chili's). First real meal all day. Nothing beats Hot Wings at 10:15p.

11:30: Starts to get pretty quiet.

12:45: Settled into a nice routine here. Lots of vacuuming. Fair number of refugees. I'd say 20 w/in sight. One nice guy also on his way to RDU. Talked some football.

2:00: Now. Not much going on. Rich can walk the moving sidewalk backwards in the wrong direction in 47 seconds. I'm going to beat that.

2:15: Now, now. Pretty dull. My collegeue (need to figure out how to spell that) & I are having an e-mail discussion for the sake of our EPA friends. Every 15 minutes we send another e-mail debating a specific topic. The goal is to have each e-mail become more & more incoherent.

2:55: Getting tired. Thinking about calling C-Lo for place to crash for a few hours. Wish I knew the number. Tried information asking for C-L0 & I got a Carlos Lopez from Oak Park. He wasn't happy to hear from Dolberry.

3:30: OK, here are my PR's for going the wrong way on an O'Hare moving walkway:

backwards: 74 seconds
forwards: 48 seconds
one leg: N/A (fell over)
one leg backward: N/A (fell over)

3:45: Wish I would have taken that flight to Caracas like that guy w/ sunglasses I was talking to in the elevator suggested. Wonder if it's too late ....

4:40: Found a remaining set of chairs w/o an armrest & fell asleep w/ a NY Times over my head as a blanket.

6:00: Wake up. Feeling worse than before went to sleep. Airport has lost it's empty charm as all the vaccumers have been replaced w/ busybee travellers who weave in & out in front and behind me as I walk zombie-like to the restroom w/ my shirt untucked & airport-terminal-seatlines pressed into my face.

6:30: Get some McDonalds. Feel slightly better. Getting a good feeling about this standby flight at 7:34.

7:35: Get on flight as standby passenger #9.

9:35: Land at RDU. Bag even makes it as well.

10:10: Get to work, almost in time for 10am team meeting.

12:00: Go home & sleep for a few hours.

8:30: Updating last blogs w/ pics.

B.U.I.

All right, I'm blogging under the influence (of about 3/4 a glass of beer) so the DCV will likely be even more prone to wild exagerations , incoherent babbling, & flat out prevarications than usual (if that's even possible). Buyer beware.

(Also, it's been pointed out to me that it's not really a "live" blog if it comes on line at 11:30pm. Point taken. I could've live blogged during some of the presentations today (thx to wireless internet magic), but it would've been pretty rude. So, here's a recap of the day.)

(I'm just going to do this whole thing in parentheses. Heh heh heh. That's funny. True dat!

(all times now PST)

6:15: Woke up. Great sleep. Close to 9 hours. Wonder what's so nice about a Hyatt? Six pillows. One person, six pillows. Do the math on that & it comes to about 6 pillows per person. That is hard to beat. Clearly one of the highlights of the trip.

6:45: Spent about 15 minutes looking for the hotel fitness center. Didn't find it, but figured it was a decent enough workout looking for it to count as my exercise for the day. (This lack of effort is probably why the aircraft people had me move to the back of the flight yesterday for "takeoff considerations".)

8:35: Got danish & oj for breakfast.

9:05 Meeting started. California ARB has a really nice office.




1:15: Break for 30 min lunch. This is 4:15p DST (Dolberry Stomach Time). Rush & find a Quizno's & hurry back to mtg.



1:45: Our presentation. All the a.m. presentations were very interesting, and the other modeling ones were really well done. My collegeue suggests I start off w/ the line "All the other presentations were so well done, that we thought we'd take a different tack." I did my six slides. Nobody seemed to be hurt. Got some easy questions, but then one hard question about chemistry that I had to pass on. Turns out you can't just "pass" like on a game show. Who knew?

2:30: Am kinda the EPA spokesperson at the meeting, and Dolberry is enjoying it immensely. This marks about the 4th time, I said "EPA will give that its proper consideration." It rolls off my tongue, I think, more mellifluously than when I hear actual EPA policy types say it. It's a great phrase because it can be applied to any situation (an alternate proposal, suggestion for lunch, suggestion to go to hell, etc.) and it doesn't betray any position you might have toward the "its" in question. Either way, we're giving it the proper consideration. The key is to say it w/ the right amount of pompous gravitas.

4:30: Day 1 of meeting wraps up. Rated a useful expenditure of Dolberry's time, all in all (but that doesn't make for good blogging, so that's why I made up the 2:30 entry.)

4:45: Called home. Great to hear K&A's voices.

5:10: Called one of the Sparkies to wish her a happy birthday. So glad to be related to this particular Sparky (the other one is kinda hit & miss & I haven't formed an opinion on the new one yet.) Aunt Sparky is just a flat out impressive person. Sometime maybe I'll give the "life episode" treatment to KMD & Dolberry's first date when I gushed on & on about how impressive my lil' sis was (& still is) (as are my other sis' too, but it's not their birthday is it. No.). At the time I figured ... lead w/ your strengths ... "Hey, I'm related to someone really cool." Amazed there was a second date, in retrospect.

6:00: Went to a microbrew w/ my SECA friends. All very nice, probably because most of them were from Canada. Canadians seem to be about 35% nicer than your average American. Another one of those conversions to keep track of, I guess.

7:45: Returned to hotel. Asked front desk where the fitness center was. Apparently, it's a FAQ (frequently asked question) because the guy gave me a printed list of directions. There were 6 steps. Looking back, I made it through 4.5 of the steps this morning. It appears I was less than 5 feet from the Fitness Center when I turned around. Tomorrow, I will make that extra five feet.

8:30: Blog is now a live blog at last, because I am blogging right now ... and now ... and now ... still blogging ... Goodnight!

)!

Live blog: Travels w/ Dolberry

Live blogging of Dolberry's trip to Sacramento.

1:15: K&A drop me off at the perpetually-under-construction RDU airport. Sometimes it's good to say goodbye, if only because it forces you to realize how much you love two people & how you really hate to be away from them. Already ready for hello again.

3:10: Flight scheduled to leave at 2:14 departs terra firma. Spend most of the trip working on my presentation for tomorrow that is designed to hide the fact that we haven't really progressed at all on this project since the last meeting w/ our partners in October 2005 (... through absolutely no fault of Dolberry.)


4:25: Requisite cloud shot over Chicago. I think if you look closely, you can C-Lo waving near the upper right corner of the frame. (oops, problems w/ laptop & camera not liking each other ... pics will have to be added later).

5:15: At O'Hare, I experience what I expect to be the highlight of the trip. An Italian Beef sandwich w/ sweet peppers at the Billy Goat kiosk. Say what you will about Chicago (& I have), but the place has a few exceptional foodstuffs.

6:00: Shot of weird terminal C light thingy. That was another thing I liked about Chicago. T'was always a bummer when you didn't have a Terminal C flight.

6:30: Almost miss flight while waiting 8 minutes in a two person line to get a Diet Coke. OK, I'm ready to leave the Windy City now.

7:10: In the air again ... heading west ... judging by how desolate it is below ... I'm guessing we're over Iowa ... a place so dull people have nothing better to do than get obnoxiously proficient at Fantasy Football. Am listening to the United musical selections that are powered by XM satellite radio. Am on the classic rock channel. Someone needs to do some better QC on their choices. They've played "Fly Like an Eagle" which I believe is a theme song for a competing brand to United. Then they did "Broken Wings" by Mister Mister. The song is none to good to begin w/, even when you're standing on the ground, but when Dolberry is 30K feet above the Earth's surface, I don't want to be reminded that wings can break. Keeping on the sadistic theme, they've played Tom Petty's "Into the Great Wide Open" TWICE. Programmer dude, the "great wide open, under the skies of blue, out in the great wide open, a rebel w/o a clue ..." is only a thin metal aircraft skin away from me at present. Jerk.

7:35 Flight attendent makes 2nd announcement requesting that "for security reasons" we should use the lavatory in the compartment we are in (i.e., don't use the first class bathroom, your pee isn't good enough for that.)

8:25 First good song ... Dire Straits "Skateaway". This will probably be the #2 highlight of the trip.

9:05: Pre-write a soon-to-be-published "Life Episodes" DCV entry ... entitled "Berghoff's". Coming soon.

9:50: This stupid channel is on like a 11 song loop. Not that good for a 4hr flight. "So take these broken wings. And learn to fly again. Learn to live so free. When we hear the voices sing. The book of love will open up and let us in." WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT MISTER MISTER. THAT MAKES NO SENSE! Seriously, I would like to take the book of love & whap it upside ol' Mister Mister's head.

10:00: OK. There's some games show on the in-flight TV that looks like Hollywood Squares if Hollywood Squares had been left in the fridge too long w/o the lid on. There are about 80-90 squares. It's gonna take forever to get a line of X's or O's. The answer to the current question is "Kofi Kofi Bo Bofi". Wow. Bob Sagat's the host. (Four of the scariest words in the English language when strung together like that.)

10:50: Plane lands in Sacramento ... early.

12:00: Check in at hotel. Bright neon sign right out my window (IMAX). Won't bother me. Goodnight.

Hey, Sorry I haven't blogged much lately.

Not much to say, I guess.

Was an ok week. Have to go on a work trip to Sacramento tomorrow. Maybe I'll blog my trip.

Barkley's 11th anniversary w/ us is tomorrow. Amazing.

Hope all my readers are doing well.


Dolberry

Who votes Louisville 12th? (Four spots below Texas.)

The goofy looking guy on the left. (not to be confused w/ the goofy looking guy on the far right)

Charlie Cavagnaro. Former AD at UNLV. Even more telling, former AD @ Memphis State in the Dana Kirk years.

With only a minimal amount of internet research, I've uncovered the following.

1) This hysterical quote from his days as Memphis State AD after William Bedford had been caught driving a new Jaguar provided by a booster: "'There is no doubt that this is a stiff penalty, but the N.C.A.A. has its rules and regulations and as members of the N.C.A.A. we must abide by them.'' The stiff penalty? A two-game suspension.

2) He prevailed as AD during the period of Dana Kirk. Kept him as coach for three years after coming on board, ultimately firing him a mere two months before a Federal grand jury indicted Kirk on 11 counts of tax evasion, filing false income tax returns, mail fraud and obstruction of justice. (source: NY Times)

3) Went on to be AD of possibly the only school more crooked than the Memphis State of the 1980's. At UNLV, his program got a 4-year NCAA probation for its recruitment of Lamar Odom.

4) He was reprimanded and forced to apologize over allegations (ultimately unproven) that he called basketball players "monkeys and gorillas" and women softball players "dykes in spikes".

5) Perhaps, most telling was his well-publicized attempt to hire Rick Pitino at UNLV. Unfortunately, he dropped Joanne Pitino off at the airport only to find out later that she had to spend 5 hours there alone when her flight was delayed. Pitino announced two days later that he was no longer interested in UNLV. Given what we know of his character this was probably a shrewd move on his part to spend less time around Mrs P. (follow links for sources, this one is same as above)

Don't think that guy might have a small grudge against Louisville? Check out his final CFB rankings:

1. OSU, 2. Michigan, 3 Florida, ..., 7 Notre Dame, 8 Texas, 9 Auburn, 10 Arkansas, 11 Wisconsin, 12 Louisville.

After retiring under pressure from UNLV in 2001, ol' Charlie currently spends his days as ... well try to guess.

Something to do w/ football? Wrong! He spends them by writing a column for the weekly Decatur (TN) County Chronicle, hosting a weekly sports show on WKJQ-FM in Parsons TN and serving as a council chairperson at Parsons First United Methodist Church. This is his 2nd year as a Harris poll voter (the one that counts in the BCS).

The next worst list from a Louisville perspective was the Madison WI sportswriter who had the Badgers 5th and the Cardinals 10th. You couldn't make this stuff up. What a joke.

Enjoy the Orange Bowl, Charlie.

Almost Heaven Indeed!!!!

Christmas memories

Tomorrow, I'm emceeing our church's Christmas party. Without doubt, this is one of the worst appointments since ... well since the hiring of any Cleveland Browns coach since Schottenheimer.

I've been trying to come up w/ halfway clever things to say about Christmas, or any Christmas memories, but it's hard because I am not in the Christmas spirit, not do I intend to be until about the 23rd or 24th. For me, Christmas is a sprint, not a marathon.

All I can come up w/ at this point, so far away from the actual holiday, is that one Christmas eve when we were going to midnight mass, but for some reason we felt we needed to rush and get there by 10:20 to get a seat, & when we walked into an empty church I got off my best line of all time ... "shoot, I guess I did have time to wipe."

But that's probably not appropriate for the crowd tomorrow. Or any crowd for that matter.

So, if anyone can remind me of some other Christmas stories before 5pm tomorrow, I'd appreciate it.

Yay Billikens!

Improve to 5-1 over the Ramblers in a game that was going to be decided on who missed the last free throw.

If they can beat SIU on the road this weekend, we may have something worth getting fired up about.

C-Lo, what'd it look like? Listened on radio. SLU announcers loved Schlib (sp?).

Better than Christmas!

Relient K put two new songs on iTunes today ... in advance of their album being released like 3 mos from now (on KMD's birthday).

The first one will almost undoubtably be a top 10 single & a radio staple this winter. "I Must Have Done Something Right". It's a little too "poppy" to be one of my favorite RK songs, but it'll be nice to have such an unabashedly happy song on the radio. I really wish I had written the opening stanza to KMD last on my last Valentine's day card instead of plagarizing that candy heart w/ "U R Dreamy":

We should make jerseys, 'cause we make a good team.
But yours would look better than mine because you're out of my league.
And I know that it's selfish I hate to tell you that every day
I spend w/ you is a new best day
of my life
Everyone watching us
Just turns away w/ disgust
It's jealousy
They can see
That we've got it going on

Admit it you guys feel that way about the Dolberry / KMD combo. It's ok. We understand.

The second song didn't even make the album cut & I actually like it a little better. Called "Fallen Man", it's more rocking and I think the lyrics are esp. outstanding ... a sample ...

Take a good look at yourself and know
You've got yourself a ways to go
But difficult is not impossible
You can take back all the lost control
Take a good look at yourself and see
That you'll emerge eventually
As long as your heart's not too far gone
From the only thing that can save you from yourself

The best 99 cents you'll ever spend.

Hey, we went to the Hurricanes game tonight

It was a lot of fun, despite the fact the Canes appeared rather lethargic on their way to a 4-1 loss. We scored 2 mins. into the game on kind of a flukish goal, then did nothing the rest of the way. My theory is that it came too easy. Ottawa started working harder to catch up, scored about 6 mins in. Then two more in the 2nd. Then one more in the 3rd. After playing into mid-June, I think it will take until March or so, before the Canes hit full stride this year.

Other than that ... not much up. Am taking Friday off to go Christmas shopping, so if you know what you want, just put it in the Comments section (& I'll forward it to the appropriate party ... for a slight transfer fee).

I'm getting a lot of questions ...

... as to why my blog is pink.

It's not pink. It's cheery vanilla colored. Thank you.

Worst Thanksgiving Ever!

Here are some pictorial highlights of our Thanksgiving w/ the cousins.


This was us watching a C-Span replay because the cable was broken & that was the only channel that worked.



Aunt KMD spent the whole day on the phone w/ her bookie. Things were not going well.



While on the phone, she kinda lost track of how long the turkey had been in the oven. Here's Dolberry after the first bite.

New DCV feature: Life Episodes

As is well-documented, the Dolberry clan left Chicagoland almost a half a score of years ago in large part because of the weather, which is, as the kids say, not good. We entered into the meteorological-equivalent of the witness protection program and all was fine for a long time, but then Dolberry got a little careless. I started watching Skilling on WGN (just for old times' sake). I found myself pulling for -6 standard deviation cut off lows that show up in the Day 6 forecasts from time to time, to actually occur. Worse still I started clicking on NWS sites from offices poleward of 40N. It was just a matter of time. After 9 years and 5 months, Chicago weather has tracked us down & set up shop outside just our very thin & non-storm-proofed windows.

Last hour at the normally heavenly RDU recoding station we were plagued with the following:

Heavy Rain w/ Fog/Mist, Temp =41, Winds N at 22, gusting to 29.


Anyway, while we hunker down & hope the Chicago weather goes back home, I thought we'd start a new feature on the DCV, flourishingly titled "Life Episodes". Basically, it's a roadmap for the lazier of the forthcoming Dolberry biographers. A priviledged glimpse into the people, places, & prompts that made Dolberry! into the larger-than-life figure he is.

Tonight's episode: French Scrabble (cue special font)

Growing up in J-town in the mid-80's, an empty town of obsolete stacks and steeples, it would have been easy for an upper middle class teenage boy to become lost in the tentacled jungle of skateboard culture, the self-immolative nature of competitive Rubik's Cubing, or any number of the green-haired-tinged elements that occupied the fringes of the annual Gaslite Festival. Dolberry might have been yet another nameless name on that unhappy ledger of lost souls, but for the influence of a hardscrabble educator and a good friend. The story starts on an otherwise nondescript Tuesday, with the nondescript event of a teacher returning French quizzes. The overall effort of the class on said evaluation was less than expected from Mr. Richard Ayres, the smirking and respected for it administrator of the quiz. He returned the efforts to the class by flinging the quizzes skyward (well ceilingward) with squalling showers of distain, careful not to touch the papers more than he had to as if he'd retrieved them from the Valley of the Drums site. When he returned Dolberry's paper, he augmented the display w/ a one word derogatory permutation of Dolberry ... "Doltberry".

This was a needed challenge to our young hero. He applied himself to the ancient and poorly-understood arts of French Scrabble. More of a discipline than a sport or a mere game, French Scrabble required a Jedi-focus, an ability to resist the flirtatious manners of Sacred Heart and/or Presentation coeds ("are you sure 'snuggle' isn't a French word?" she cooed sweetly from across the table in a whisper that could barely be heard in the silent library), and at least a nominal understanding of conjugating French verbs. Initially, Mr. Ayres assembled a large and powerful squad populated w/ a merry band of colorful characters that could drop a made up word into the recitation of Greek letters w/ nary a wink.

"Alpha, beta, gamma, zixy, epsilon, ...",
"Are you sure 'zixy' is a word?" she cooed sweetly, though less sweetly than before
"Uh, yeah. That's 52 points."

By far the most momentous member of that freshman squad (maybe it was sophomore ... biographers you'd better fact check that one) was one Stephen Clark, a scrappy kid from the gang-infested St. Martha's parish. At the time, Stephen went by his gang name "Steve", and was the baddest mutha in the cafeteria, at least among us nerds who had to carry trays of the more-respected nerds that shared a table w/ us. Stephen was renowned for his ability to issue an intimidating "DEFI" (french for "challenge") that would leave our opponents drawing letters (fearful to play words) for 2-3 turns afterward. Trinity led by the Dolberry/Clark combo led Trinity to the JV State French Scrabble title in the bellweather year of 1982 (or 1981, I can't do everything for you guys).

After sophomore year, Stephen had completed his foriegn language requirement and had drifted away from the French Scrabble battlefields and into odd electives like Mechanical Drafting w/ Crazy Reverend Jansing. Dolberry soldiered on, pairing successfully w/ numerous collegues (career record: 24-2), but never finding the Lennon-McCartney magic from the early Dolberry/Clark days. Until fate intervened on one Wed. afternoon in the Spring of 1984, when the Rock varsity Scrabble was a player down (mental breakdowns were common due to the stress) hours before the State Championship game vs. hated rival St. Xavier. Attempts to find anyone who knew more than a mere two words of French ('defi" and 'fy") were futile, but the Scrabble Rocks boarded the van to the St. X library known as the "Tiger Pit" with soaring confidence as Dolberry/Clark was back. The board looked bad early as we locked into a defensive small-word battle. The Tiger players tried to goad Dolberry into playing bigger words that would open the board, but Clark proved his worth silencing the unworthy opponents with a withering "You guys are $%@&!&" (possible paraphrasing here) and by vigilantly scanning our 7 tiles for "F" and "Y". Bleakly, the "B" Rock squad (DeMuth/Nevitt) was taking a beating ... early reports had them down by as many as 70 points.

To this day, I don't know where Dolberry drew the power that I drew over that next 20 minutes. "37 points." "26 points." "54 points!" "31 points." One after the other, the big words hit the board from our side of the table. When the bag had emptied the Dolberry/Clark combo, had won in a rout, covering the other table deficit w/ points to spare. As we walked out, under cover of security, the team lifted Clark on their shoulders, a stirring reminder of how just because you take "Mechanical Drafting" and weird English classes where you got to watch movies instead of reading Melville novels under Crazy Father Sans' watchful eyes, doesn't mean you can't be a productive member of society ... and one of Dolberry's best and most treasured friends (to this day).

Old pictures / memories

The old-timey picture in my rival blog the other day had me looking for old pictures from my past. Did find this one of me and George Bush, Dan Quayle, & two other suits at the signing of the Clean Air Act Amendments of 1990. I hadn't even been hired at EPA Region 5 yet, but I went up to the signing looking to make some contacts. I did get a free NEI shirt in honor of the 1981 NEI having just been released that summer. I was talking w/ the NOAA Undersecretary of Glaciers (I believe he was an ex-Ranger), when I heard GHWB say "Hey, we need a regular working stiff in the picture. Hey Dolberry! Come up here for a second."

I asked, "Should I put the cake down?"

The President said, "No, It's fine. But try not to get any crumbs on the bill itself."

That was pretty much how it happened. The thing I remember most was how good the cake was. It was really good cake.

Big thanks to TKMo / Book Review

Big thanks to TKMo for my b-day gift card to Border's which I used to buy a highly entertaining book The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid: A Memoir. I was reading it on the bus & started laughing nearly-uncontrollably at one of Bill Bryson's recollections (the "toity" jar) of growing up in the 50s/60s in Des Moines IA. The laughing triggered a coughing spell, and then my eyes started watering, & it was fortunate I was on a TTA bus, because there were so few around to witness this odd behavior.

Bryson's recollections mostly recount the age of Saturday matinees & walking to school, but occasionally foray into things I remember from youth. His fond skewering of the debacle that was Electric Football alone is worth the outlay (if it's not free for you, like it was for me & my gift card). I was transported back in time to Robbie Livingston's family room and detail-by-detail it was like every "game" we ever played. He had a great riff on model planes as well that Dad would enjoy. Just an amazing book. Kinda sad in the end as he detailed so many strengths of the bygone era & how they were gone forever, but overall just a nice journey back in time. I'll bring it for borrowing over Christmas.

(As an aside on Electric Football, click that link you just passed. Amazingly, people apparently meet for conventions to play others in Electric Football. There a some mind-boggling quotes in there.)

Dolberry's WorkDay in Pictures

Here's my day today in pictures:


6:40 - Left home (was kinda dark, but pleasant enough)

6:50 Got to bus stop. Waiting for bus.

7:30: Get to work. Cautiously optimistic for a Monday.
7:32: Walk into office. Feeling less optimistic.

11:30: Working on Locomotive/Marine RIA. Week already shot to heck.

5:30: Anxiously waiting for bus to take me home.

That was pretty much it. A lot of days are like that. I did get my year-end bonus & raise which was nice, but since there was no oversized check or anything, I didn't get a picture.

On an unrelated subject, my dad sure is a cool guy. He said he'd give me $5 if I said something nice about him on the blog. He may do the same for you if you leave a comment saying nice things about him. Is worth a shot.

If I had a vote ... here would be my CFB Top 12

1. Ohio State
2. Michigan
3. USC
4. Notre Dame
5. Arkansas
6. Rutgers
7. Florida
8. Louisville
9. West Virginia
10. Wisconsin
11. Wake Forest
12. Texas

Funsunny day

We had a great day today. Almost exclusively outside. Cleaned up the front yard. (Back yard tomorrow.) Even better GpC fixed our dryer!

Went fishing in the afternoon. Only caught one fish (a big catfish), but was fun anyway. Some pictures ensue. Have a great weekend everyone!